She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
