before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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