look no pants
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
