He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Randomize