My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
