I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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