I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
