I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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