Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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