Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
