i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
me + whiskey = a bad person
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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