Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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