My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
