wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
