this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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