Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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