the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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