there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize