i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize