Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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