The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
