He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
