just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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