So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
