I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
