Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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