I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
