i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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