so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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