oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
