Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
porn star boner night. come get it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize