i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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