It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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