so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize