Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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