So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
