my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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