Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
