take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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