Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
