First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
