Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
