she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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