You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
