in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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