I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
