He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize