i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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