haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I can tuck mytits in my pants
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
i need some magic done to my vagina
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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