you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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