I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the room spins SO much faster in panama
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
