Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I love you. Go after that dick
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