He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
