Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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