Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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