New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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